Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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