After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this just has baby written all over it
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Randomize
