That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
