One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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