My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
