he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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