the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize