So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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