woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
