Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize