i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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