I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why do cheetos always look like penises
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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