She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
