I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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