I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I did not marry a roomba.
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