wakey wakey hands off snakey
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
