god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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