You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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