in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
