I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
