any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
