Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
