Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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