but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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