The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
