I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
