Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I intend to get homeless drunk
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize