I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
