12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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