Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
