I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
