SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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