Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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