Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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