First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
