She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
