Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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