You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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