I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
