Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
