my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
