Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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