So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
