I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
