Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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