Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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