Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
