I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
