You can't special order awesome
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
