call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
