Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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