You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
