the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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