I got chris browned last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
