just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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