Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
